Is HONESTY always the BEST policy?

I have been catching a lot of flack for my lack of enthusiasm with my current pregnancy. When I am asked if I am excited to be pregnant, they don't get the response they are expecting. Each time I have said, "not really", I always follow it up by "just being honest". Their look of disgust is hard to hide. They probably have no idea that they are even doing it. I am very aware of how lucky I am to have never had difficulty conceiving like many others I know, but my life's plan was not to have as many children as possible, simply because I can. Let me explain.....

Four years ago I found out that I was pregnant and couldn't have been any happier. I was so excited to be pregnant. I was excited to feel pregnant. It was perfect. At my first OB appointment I mentioned to my doctor that I was cramping a lot and should I be concerned. I had had a miscarriage many years before and was very aware of how the body works. He ordered an ultrasound to make sure we weren't dealing with an ectopic pregnancy or any other possibilities. When I had the ultrasound I was only about 9 weeks pregnant. Not a whole lot to see but there was definitely a baby there with a very strong heartbeat. No problems seen, but there was mention of an unusual "blob" in the uterus. "Blob"?.....okay, your the ultrasound guy. Strange, but not alarming.

Three days later I called Chris at work in a panic. "I am losing the baby!" I began bleeding heavily at work and knew that I was at the beginning of a miscarriage. I know that pain...I know that emotional anguish...I know that I am losing my baby. But this can't be! I just saw my baby and everything was fine. Why did I have to see the baby and now this?! It is hard enough to deal with it anyway, but I feel like I have already met this little soul. Please don't do this to me again. By the time Chris got home, I had already passed what I believed to be my baby. It was over, or so I thought. Weeks going by I still just didn't feel "normal". I kept telling Chris that "my organs don't feel right". He was beginning to think that I was one of those ladies that just couldn't let go. I finally said to him, "Listen, I'm not crazy. My stomach is still growing. Something is really wrong here". Without him knowing, I bought a double pack of pregnancy tests. Took the first one.....positive! What the?? Waited a day and took the second one.....still positive! I showed Chris my results but he was still not convinced. He reminded me that there are women who will continue to test positive for a little while after a miscarriage. Uh yeah, I know, but do they continue to grow? I decided to risk looking like a complete idiot and called my doctor. Come in and we will test you here. I went in and wouldn't you know it......positive again! Okay, so what now?? They gave me an explanation of the body needs time to get back to normal, but we can do blood work on you in a week. No way!! I need to know now! Please listen for a heartbeat, check for something, please, anything! It has been a month and I know that something is wrong! I'm sure they were thinking let's just get this crazy lady out of here. They put me in for an ultrasound immediately. Scared to death of what they are going to find, I was an emotional wreck. I explained to the ultrasound tech the situation and mentioned that the last time I had an ultrasound there was a "blob" that no one could explain. Well, I don't know what the "blob" was, but you have got a healthy baby in here (and no blob). Oh.......my.........gosh! Oh, and IT'S A BOY!! How could this have happened??? We believe that we actually had two babies, one viable and one not. The "blob" (or non-viable fetus) that they couldn't identify appears to be what I miscarried.

So lets fast-forward about a month later. Time for another ultrasound to make sure all is well. Can't get any worse, right? The tech kept going back to the baby's head over and over but wouldn't say anything. She printed off a picture and hurried out of the room. Chris and I just looked at each other. What is going on? In walks the Perinatologist. Oh crap!!! In his doctor tone he begins to tell us that the baby has a cyst on his brain. This is a very common sign of Trisomy 18. If your baby has Trisomy 18, it may not make it to birth. If it does make it to birth, it will probably die within hours. Rarely do babies survive. If they do, the maximum life expectancy is 1 year. The tears just started pouring. This cannot be happening. I just got my baby back and you are telling me that I am going to lose him? He went on to say that if this was Trisomy 18, there would be other signs such as cleft palate or clubbed feet, but right now he doesn't see anything else. That should have relieved what we were feeling, but all I heard that entire time was your baby is going to die. I cried for days!!! We had to wait 6 more weeks to see if the cyst was decreasing in size. I spent hours on the internet researching Trisomy 18 and what our chances were. I was obsessed! We went back 6 weeks later......it's smaller. Another 6 weeks later.....smaller. Another 6 weeks later......gone! BUT......your baby has an enlarged gallbladder. Okay, so what does that mean? It isn't life-threatening, but your baby will have difficulties. Come back again in 6 weeks and we will check it again. 6 weeks later....still enlarged, so have your pediatrician do an ultrasound of the baby after your baby is born.

April 1, 2005 at 8:30 a.m. Maddox Cooper Hill was born. Your baby looks great, but we will watch him. 6 weeks later an ultrasound was done and wouldn't you know it, completely normal in every way! I knew that this child was going to be hell on wheels after what he put me through just to get him here. He has proved me right over and over again.

Maybe it is being selfish, but there was no way I was ever going to put myself through that again. When I started to suspect that I was pregnant this time, I was in complete denial. The denial turned into anger and the anger into fear. I wake up almost every night and every morning and grab my stomach to make sure that my baby is still there. Most people will never understand. I know that I will love this little boy as much as my other children and will never regret or resent having him in my life. So, am I excited to be pregnant? Not really, but I will be really excited to have my baby boy. Just being honest!