Diary of a new stay-at-home mom

I knew that this transition was going to be a difficult one for me, but not for the reasons that it has become. I have lived my life with such a structured schedule for so long. Juggling kids, husband, work, and whatever other activities came about were just part of life. I have a better understanding of why all of the these moms are on antidepressants or cooking in their meth labs to make some extra cash. Just to clarify, I'm not doing either.

The hardest part in all of this for me is losing the money that I brought home. The concept of this is our money is such crap! He can tell me over and over that his money is our money, but still won't ever be true. Giving up all control and completely being at the mercy of someone else has been a little traumatic for me. Days of crying, days of anger, and days of regret. I made the decision to stay home, no one else, and I have to learn to adapt. How could something that I have wanted for so long make me feel so bad? I had been warned by a lot of people, but you really can't understand it until you do it.

Yesterday for Avrie's birthday I spent most of my day trying to make her these cakes that she asked for. One of them was a bouquet of flowers and the other a frog. They are like puzzle pieces and when put together you see the whole picture. Well, thinking that I have to be super mom I was ready for the task. I normally enjoy baking and would like to think that I'm fairly good at it. They didn't turn out as professional quality by any means, but it was good effort. I wasn't expecting a pat on the back or necessarily even a thank-you. However, after all of my effort, it made what happened later even more frustrating.

A few days ago I mentioned to Chris that I thought he should stop for some flowers on his way home for Avrie. I have busted her a few times picking flowers out of neighbors yards and I knew that a gesture like that would be really meaningful to her. He took my suggestion and brought her home some beautiful flowers (as well as some for me). With all of the money spent on other gifts for her birthday, those flowers were the most important to her. I continued to give him a told ya so look through all of her excitement. So this brings me back to my previous story. I had spent so much time and even burned my dang finger trying to make what she wanted and not a word was said. Her dad walks in with flowers that were my idea and she couldn't contain herself! It was so hard not to say IT WAS MY IDEA! I know she was happy with the cakes I made even though she didn't say much about them. I'm going to have to get used to being the quiet voice in the back without any credit.

Now that I'm always around, there's less appreciation for the time spent with them. They aren't as excited to see me at the end of the day. I've become just another fixture you see when you walk through the door. I guess I should be more grateful that my kids know that I will always be there for them when they do get home.

So here is the question.... How do you change who you are without changing who you are?